My Own Personal Communism

I remember when I first learned about Communism in middle school or high school, whenever it was, and thought “boy that sounds like a good idea…” but it never seemed to work out.  The reality of humanity seems to get in the way of the idealism of the movement every time a group has attempted to enact it. Power corrupts…

I think I have to finally admit I may have constructed my own personal Communism with this Men in Moderation movement.

It’s not that it can’t work – I still firmly believe that you don’t need to follow the path most traveled, that you can have a happy, successful, fulfilled life without one particular partner – but I’m not sure it can work for me.

There’s something that just isn’t computing.  I’m having fun with these guys, and it’s nice to have a lot of attention, but … I don’t know. I just want a connection with someone.  I want to know what it’s like to feel intense intimacy, and I’m not sure I – and I mean just I – can do that with more than one person.  Sour Patch et al and I have a lot of fun, but they could care less if I sleep with someone else, and I could sort of care less if they did… I’m ready for a little jealousy I think.  Not the kind Ben brought – where he wanted me to sit in the house and be his personal entertainment.  But someone who doesn’t mind when I go on 4 days of silent retreat, but also doesn’t want to wait one more minute longer than those 4 days to see me again.

So yeah, I’m headed off to four days of silence, and it couldn’t come soon enough.  While I’m gone, my friend, CheshireCatBKLN will take over MIM, someone who I think can live this concept as functioning socialism, as opposed to my failing communism.  I imagine she’ll be able to answer your questions better than I can, and I’ll try to find some sort of clarity amidst the silence….

Moderation

Being a world class Word-Nerd, I became curious recently of the definition of “Moderation.”  The dictionary.com definition was straightforward, but something caught my eye about what appears in the “related words” section of the page:

moderateness, easing, relief, temperance

Easing and Relief – those two took me by surprise.  But it makes so much sense.  There is an incredible relief I have been experiencing recently, having backed off a desire to find one, solitary partner.  And talk about ease!  I can live my life, have all the time in the world that I want, without the brow beating and self flagellation that comes with the goal-oriented practice of mate-seeking.

I must say, what’s less easy is the time management that goes along with dating multiple people.  Once you start to get into the two-to-three dates in a day territory, you’re spending a lot of time on the subway. I’m going to have to figure that out a little better. Haven’t found the ease there just yet.

(Author’s note: I did NOT say I am sleeping with two-to-three dates in a day, as a few people have accused me…)

I ran into “Ben” the other day at my yoga studio… aaaawkward.  He seems to have deteriorated since our break up, and was a bit of a mess. I say this with full awareness of how arrogant it sounds – if you knew him you’d understand.  He admitted he’s stopped taking his medication and tried to insist that he would only get back on it if we got back together.

Now if that’s not the most unhealthy reason to get back together with someone, I  don’t know what is.

Co-dependence and moderation do not mix.  Sorry, Ben, but I am easing and relieving you right out of my life…

A Sour Patch Kid on Halloween

I did it. I did it terribly, but I did it. I called Ben and – yeah. Yeah I broke up with my boyfriend over the phone.

Hey – it’s not the worst I’ve ever heard of. I know folks who have instigated break ups via email. But yeah, I just couldn’t deal with the thought of his face in person – and all the tears. So many tears.

It’s so bizarre to listen to someone be so emotional over a situation when you didn’t feel the same way. Our two perceived realities about the relationship were completely different.  I thought I was casually sleeping and spending time with a guy who didn’t like to leave the house much… he thought we were in it for the long haul, partners for keeps.

What’s probably a little less sensitive is that the ball was set in motion by meeting someone else.  We will call him… Sour Patch.  He had another nickname, but, you know, the Internets have eyes and ears.

Now, Sour Patch is what I would call a “hipster,” but which a certain friend of mine would argue is a “Fauxhemian.” Basically it boils down to the fact that he wears skinny jeans. REALLY skinny jeans.  I happen to detest skinny jeans on men. But, you guys, it turns out, when a hipster takes his pants off, he’s not wearing skinny jeans any more! So the key is to take hipster’s pants off.

Which is what I did.

And you know what? It was awesome, primarily because he was present and engaged and intimate and fun and we had breakfast and then I left and we’re gonna hang out and I don’t feel a single string attached. I know he’s seeing other folks, I know ultimately we make no sense in a relationship, but it’s fun and that’s all. I mean, compared to what I just got out of, Sour Patch is like a cold pool on an August Sunday in Manhattan.

The pulling “string” of knowing Ben was most likely sobbing into his Star Wars pillow in Astoria while I was getting thrown around a futon in Bushwick definitely pulled me out of the moment.  But that’s exactly why I need some new set of rules right now.  Despite being 34, I am not in a place where settling down makes sense, and I should not feel like a second-class woman, or a heartbreaker, or a “slut,” just because I possess a capacity for floating right now.

The moral of the story?  The Sour Patch is a tart pucker for Ben and a sweet treat for me, and I’m in the market for more candy…

A New World

Have you ever had your whole single life flash before your eyes, feeling the walls cave in around you as your perceived freedom bursts into oblivion?  I have.  It only took four words and a contraction:

“Let’s move in together.”

Admittedly, this was rash on his part to begin with, because we’ve only been dating for a month or so, but it has sent me into a tailspin.

I have spent my whole life complaining – either to friends or my therapist – that I’m not in a relationship.  It was the constant bane of my existence, the wrench in my otherwise (mostly) functional life.  And then I got it, and all I want is out.  I am a fickle brained human and there’s no getting around it.

Unfortunately… I’m still in this relationship.  My boyfriend – we’ll call him… Ben – doesn’t know I’ve started this blog, but I need some sort of outlet, and I think we’re on the way out anyway.  He’s just so ready! He’s so ready to spend every waking moment with me, to not sleep with other people, to not MEET other people. It doesn’t help that he’s a little agoraphobic, and is perfectly delighted to sit inside and stare at me all day.

I can feel my skin crawling just writing about this. I thought this was what I wanted! I thought this was The Dream – find your one and settle down.  But what if it’s not an ideal, just a habit of humankind?  What if there’s a whole other way of being out there that is just as good, but doesn’t make me feel as caged, with more time for myself?

I have struggled with addiction in my past, and was always fascinated by people who could imbibe in moderation, who could have one glass of wine and call it a night or do a beer tasting and not devolve into a beer chugging.  I can’t do that, but maybe I can have Men in Moderation?

Maybe instead of sucking down the whole Bottle of Ben, I can sample some George or some Dan or some Matt or not have any at all for a couple days?  Who is to say, in 2010, that relationships have to follow the live together-engagement-marriage-kids paradigm?  Why can’t I be a fully single person, with a couple guys on speed dial, who I hang out with AND sleep with AND get to feel like a woman with AND get ample private time away from?

I think it’s time a new norm were created.  I think it’s time for Men in Moderation.